When you realize you’ve been raised by a narcissistic parent and you’re ready to heal, it can seem like a long road ahead.
There is no “one size fits all” way to recover from emotional abuse. However, there are some steps that can help you understand what the road may look like. These are not necessarily linear. You don’t complete a step and move on. It’s normal to be working through more than one of these at the same time. Here are the 5 steps of parental narcissistic abuse recovery.
1. Realizing the impact
The first step involves taking stock of the impact the narcissistic abuse had. It’s not a one-and-done process. You will be forever realizing the impact at different points in your life. But this first real “peek behind the curtain” can feel very overwhelming. You will likely have a lot of intense feelings that may not make much sense. You may have conflicting feelings, which is very normal.
2. Grieving
The second step involves uncovering the grief. This can be a complicated combination of:
- Grieving the mother you wish you had
- Grieving the mother you actually had
- Grieving the mother who is deceased, if applicable
Grief is also not a linear process. There will be many mixed emotions. You may experience anger, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion, just to name a few. Whatever comes up during this grieving is okay.
3. Embracing yourself
The third step involves re-discovering who you are separate from your mother. Growing up, you may have been enmeshed with your mother, as narcissistics often treat others as an extension of who THEY are rather than a separate individual. You may have difficulty remembering or knowing who you are, what you like, what is important to you. This is normal. This is also where you may discover there are parts of yourself that remind you of your mother. This is also normal. As you separate from your mother, you get to take with you what YOU want and leave the rest behind.
4. Setting boundaries
The fourth step involves setting boundaries. This is where you get to decide what is best for you. Some people choose to continue a relationship with their mother. Some people choose to go “no contact” with their mother. There is no right or wrong way to do this. You get to decide. And you get to change your mind. There’s a lot to navigate here and it will likely take some trial and error. You may start to notice other areas of your life, including relationships, where you can hold stronger boundaries.
5. Planning for the Future
The fifth step involves aligning all parts of your life with who you are and what’s important to you in your healing. This is where you get to end the legacy of emotional abuse in your life, and perhaps in your family’s future generations.
If you are an adult in Arizona and are looking for support in your recovery from being raised by a narcissistic mother or father, please book a consult to discuss how individual or group therapy could help you.
Photo by Katie Moum on Unsplash.
