No matter what childhood experiences you had with family, the holidays can bring out the stressed out version of everyone. But if there is someone who exhibits toxic or even narcissistic traits in your family, boundaries during the holidays are especially important.
In many families, there is an expectation – or maybe a strong wish – that the holidays will somehow magically change family dynamics, and that everyone will or *should* get along.
And then reality hits. You may find yourself in the middle of yet another family drama, or even the same family drama just rehashed. You realize you must set boundaries because boundaries and the holidays go hand in hand.
Why Boundaries During the Holidays are Important
We often think setting boundaries is about other people, but really it’s about us. When it comes to toxic people, boundaries are more about keeping our peace than they are about changing their behavior. The truth is you have no control over what other people do. But you already know that. You only have control over what you do. When it comes to boundaries, you get to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you’re not.
Setting boundaries during the holidays can help you:
- Identify what’s most important to you
- Anticipate potential challenges
- Map out possible responses to those challenges
This is a very empowered place, but can be challenging to get to.
What’s Important to You
As you prepare to spend time with family, ask yourself some questions:
- How do I want to feel?
- What is my ideal scenario for this time with my family?
- What can I do to create this ideal?
As you imagine the ideal, you’ll probably also start to think about what will get in the way. Put that aside for a moment. For now, just focus on what you want and what you can do to get there. Remember you do not have control over others or their behaviors.
Anticipate Potential Challenges
Based on previous experiences, you’ll likely have an idea of what challenges the holiday can bring. To gain some clarity, ask yourself some questions:
- What is the realistic scenario for this time with my family?
- What will the toxic people in my family likely do or say that might be challenging for me?
- What happens for me when they act this way – what do I feel, how does my body respond, what are my thoughts?
The key to anticipating challenges is really focusing in on your previous experiences. Your brain does this automatically but taking time to really think about it in a conscious way allows you to see it from a different perspective. And that different perspective can be the key in helping you go from being blind-sided in the moment to seeing ahead of time where you can set your boundaries.
Map Out Your Responses
Next it’s time to find some ways you can respond to the various challenges you anticipate. To do this, first think of ways you have responded in the past that have helped. This doesn’t mean there was no fall-out. Focus on responses that have helped you feel empowered and good about yourself. Then ask yourself these questions:
- What thoughts about myself or the situation helped me in the past?
- What did I do to calm myself when having emotional reactions?
- What actions did I take that helped?
- What thoughts, coping skills, and actions could help me deal with challenges this year?
Breaking down what you want, what could get in the way of that, and how you have and could respond can help you have a more peaceful, enjoyable holiday season this year.
If you need more support setting boundaries with the toxic people in your life, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
