As a therapist who specializes in helping adult children of narcissists (ACONs) recover from childhood emotional abuse, I often hear from clients who are considering going no contact with their narcissistic parent. This is a difficult decision that requires careful thought and planning, but it can also be a necessary step towards healing and reclaiming your life.
First let me just acknowledge what a difficult decision this is. If you are here reading this, I know you’ve probably spent hours, days, months, if not years, agonizing over this decision. Maybe you’ve shared your thoughts about going no contact with others and been met with resistance in the form of unhelpful words questioning why you would do such a thing. Or maybe you’ve tried to go no contact but succumbed to feelings of guilt.
In a world where we are “supposed to” love and honor our parents, adult children of narcissists don’t quite fit in. People who didn’t experience the insidious manipulation and gaslighting of an emotionally abusive parent from birth simply cannot understand what it’s like and why we would consider going no contact as sometimes the healthiest thing we can do for our own recovery.
Why an Adult Child of a Narcissist May Choose to Go No Contact with Their Parent
There are many reasons ACONs may choose to go no contact.
- Emotional abuse: Narcissistic parents can be emotionally abusive, often using tactics like gaslighting, manipulation, and guilt-tripping to control and undermine their children. Going no-contact can be a way to protect oneself from this ongoing abuse.
- Personal growth and healing: Going no-contact can be a way for ACONs to prioritize their own personal growth and well-being. By setting boundaries and cutting ties with their parent, they can focus on healing and developing a sense of self that is separate from their parent’s expectations and demands.
- Accountability: Narcissistic parents often lack the ability or willingness to take responsibility for their behavior and its impact on their children. Going no-contact can be a way for ACONs to hold their parent accountable for their actions and protect themselves from further harm.
- Breaking free from toxic family dynamics: In some cases, going no-contact can be a way to break free from toxic family dynamics that perpetuate patterns of abuse and dysfunction. By removing oneself from the situation, an ACON can work on building healthier relationships and creating a more positive, fulfilling life for themselves.
What Gets in the Way of Going No Contact With a Narcissistic Parent
While it can seem like a no-brainer to go no contact based on the list above, it’s rarely an easy choice. ACONs have been programmed from an early age to be an extension of their parent and do what is expected of them, even if they rebel against it. Going no contact is often a confusing tug-of-war between the desire to be free and the reality of potential consequences, such as:
- Guilt and shame: Many ACONs struggle with guilt and shame around the decision to go no-contact. They may worry about hurting their parent or feel like they’re being disloyal to their family.
- Loss of relationships: Going no-contact with a parent can also mean losing contact with other family members who still have contact with the narcissistic parent. This can be a difficult loss, especially if those family members don’t understand or support the decision.
- Loneliness and isolation: Going no-contact can be a lonely and isolating experience, especially if you don’t have a support system in place.
Steps to Go No Contact with a Narcissistic Parent
While there is no absolute right way to go no contact with a toxic parent, these steps can help you figure out what is best for you. Keep in mind that you can change your mind at any time and that you do not owe anyone an explanation. Your choice to go no contact is based on YOU, which means you get to decide how, when, for how long, etc.
Make a plan
Going no-contact requires careful planning. This may involve finding a new place to live, blocking your parent’s on your phone, email, and social media accounts, and setting up a support system of friends and/or a therapist.
Communicate your decision (or not)
It might be helpful to communicate your decision to go no-contact with your parent. This may involve writing a letter or having a conversation, but it’s important to keep the communication clear, concise, and to the point. However, communicating your decision is not always the best course of action, as doing so may unleash a barrage of questions and manipulation to get you to change your mind. Ask yourself “why would I want (or not want) to communicate my decision?” Remember, the goal is to do what is best for YOU.
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries with family members who still have contact with your narcissistic parent is important. Be respectful and non-judgmental of their decisions. Avoid attacking or criticizing them for their choices, and instead focus on setting and enforcing your own boundaries.
Seek support
It can be helpful to seek out support from other family members or friends who understand and support your decision to go no-contact, or from a therapist or support group.
Manage your feelings
If the thought of going no contact brings up anxiety, it’s likely you will continue to experience anxiety at different levels of intensity after you go no contact. Therefore, it’s important to find ways to manage that anxiety before going no contact. This involves both finding ways to calm yourself (such as breathing techniques, grounding skills, and mindfulness) and ways to accept that anxiety is part of the process (positive self-talk, affirmations, and radical acceptance).
Go no contact
Whether your parent knows of and/or accepts your decision to go no contact or not, it’s time to do it. Stop communicating with your parent. This means you do not contact them, and you do not respond to them. You may choose to block them from contacting you or not.
While going no contact with a toxic parent can be a necessary step towards healing and personal growth, it is a difficult and very personal decision that requires careful thought and planning. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself during the healing process, and trust that with time, you can create a healthier, more positive life for yourself. It can be helpful to seek out support from other family members or friends, a support group, or a therapist who understands and supports your decision.
If you need support figuring out if going no contact with your narcissistic parent is the right step for you, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
