Reaching out for support can be HARD! But there are steps we often miss before we are even ready to ask for help. If you’re struggling with ANYTHING in your life right now, stop and read this to learn how to get the support you need and deserve.
Why You Need Support
Humans are social creatures. The last 2+ years have wreaked havoc on our ability (and sometimes desire) to connect with other humans. But we are meant to be in community to survive.
In my work over the last 20+ years I’ve connected with thousands of people in various roles to help them heal – from trauma, crisis, abuse, neglect, anxiety, depression, grief, burnout, compassion fatigue. Dysfunction and mental illness breed in isolation. Mental wellness and healing thrive with connection.
The right kind of connection with other humans can:
- Validate us and our experiences
- Help us not feel alone in our feelings
- Challenge us to think differently
- Talk about things we “shouldn’t” talk about (which decreases their hold over us)
- Give us permission and space to feel our feelings
In short, support is a major cornerstone to healing. And yet it can be so hard to get.
4 Steps to Get the Support You Need and Deserve
Years ago, I developed a 4 step model of support to help people understand that getting the support you need and deserve isn’t as cut and dry as it seems, which can make asking for it feel so hard. I’m going to break down the 4 steps so you can see what part of the process may be tripping you up and what you can do about it.
1. Realizing you need support.
This may seem super simple, but it can be a stuck point if you are all about the DIY, proving yourself, a high-achiever, or overthinker. If you hear the words come out of your mouth (or the thoughts rattling around in your head) like “I’ll just do it myself”, you may struggle to even realize you need support.
What can help you realize you need support?
Take a moment to STOP and ask yourself some questions:
- Am I having a hard time getting things done that need to get done?
- Am I struggling to start something that seems simple or won’t take long to do?
- Am I avoiding doing something or taking action on something I say I want?
- Do I see patterns I don’t like in one or more areas of my life?
If you answered yes to one or more of these question, you likely struggle with realizing you need support. This is your sign that you do.
2. Identifying what kind of support you need.
Once you realize you need support it might be equally challenging to figure out what kind of support you need. You may automatically jump to wanting someone to do the thing for you that you are avoiding doing. That’s one solution. But is it the right one? Also, can someone do the thing for you, or is it really something you need to do?
Support can take on a lot of different forms:
- Listening to you vent
- Offering solutions to solve your problem
- Helping you identify different options
- Checking in with you to ask how you are doing
- Sending positive words of encouragement
- Engaging you in an activity that will take your mind off things
- Doing something for you to free up time and energy so you can focus on what you need to do
- Discussing a new way of looking at things
- Teaching you different ways to cope with stress
- Spending time with you
- Running errands or doing household chores for you
What can help you identify the support you need?
Take a moment to STOP and ask yourself some questions:
- What would be most helpful for me RIGHT NOW?
- Do I need help with the thing I need to do?
- Do I need help with something else so I can do the thing I need to do?
- Do I need a break from the thing I need to do?
Your answers to these questions can help point you in the direction of the type of support that might be most helpful for you right now.
3. Asking for support.
Once you realize you need support and have an idea of the support you need, it’s time to (gulp) ASK for the support. This is a really tough step for a lot people, especially if you are used to (or prefer) doing things yourself. Asking for help can seem like an imposition or sign of weakness.
What can help when asking for support?
If you struggle to ask for support, it can be helpful to have an idea of what to say and how that conversation might go. Here are some tips:
- Start with your intention. Often people focus on the idea of being a burden to others when asking for help. Shift your focus on yourself and your intention for a moment. You need help. Your intention is to get help (not be a burden).
- Be vulnerable. Another concern people have is being perceived a certain way – needy or weak – when asking for help. Expressing the concern up front or the feelings you have about asking for help can open the door to asking for help.
- Remember that people love to help. People who struggle asking for help are more likely the same people who jump at the chance to help others. Does that sound like you? Keep that in mind when you ask someone else for help. They will likely be happy to help you.
Here are ideas of how to get the conversation started:
- I’m struggling with _____ and I could really use your help.
- I’m afraid to ask you for help because I don’t want you to think differently about me.
- I really value your support. Are you open to helping me with _____?
4. Accepting support.
After asking for support, most people think that’s the end. But often it’s not. If you’re used to doing things on your own, chances are it’s difficult for you to accept support. This might look like doing these kind of things once someone has agreed to support you:
- Not returning their texts or calls
- Canceling or rescheduling plans
- Getting impatient or frustrated that they aren’t giving you exactly what you want, when you want it
How can you accept support?
Once your request has been accepted, it’s time to let go and let the support happen. Here are some reminders to help you do that:
- This person has agreed to help you.
- You are worthy of support.
- Think of what this support will do for you.
- Ask for what you want (remember people cannot read your mind).
- Focus on the gratitude of having support.
The best person to ask for support is someone close to you who you trust and who has given support in the past (whether you asked or not). You can even tell them you are going to try something new as you go through any or all of these 4 steps.
If you realize you may need more support than those closest to you can offer to help you manage stress, anxiety, burnout, etc., I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
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