Gaslighting is a term that originated from the 1944 movie “Gaslight,” in which a man manipulates his wife into doubting her own perceptions of reality. It is a form of emotional abuse in which one person manipulates another into doubting their own experiences and perceptions. The effects of gaslighting can be devastating, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and anxiety.
Self-gaslighting is a form of gaslighting in which an individual manipulates themselves, doubting their own memories and experiences. It is a common experience for adult children of narcissists who have grown up in households where their experiences were invalidated, dismissed, or ignored. In this article, we will explore what self-gaslighting is, what contributes to it, how to recognize the signs that you are self-gaslighting, and steps you can take to stop this harmful pattern of self-manipulation.
What is Self-Gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting occurs when an individual doubts their own experiences, memories, or perceptions of reality. It is a form of self-manipulation and can lead to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and anxiety. Self-gaslighting often stems from growing up in a household with a narcissistic parent or caregiver, but other factors such as trauma, low self-esteem, perfectionism, and cultural/societal messages can also contribute to it.
What are Signs You are Self-Gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting can be incredibly damaging and prevent individuals from healing and moving forward in their lives. It can manifest in various ways, and often goes unnoticed because it has become so deeply ingrained in the person’s psyche. Here are some examples of what self-gaslighting can look like:
- You frequently apologize for things that are not your fault, or for things that are a normal part of being human. For example, you may apologize for having an opinion or expressing a need.
- You struggle to make decisions, as you doubt your own judgment and worry that you will make the wrong choice. This can lead to a pattern of indecisiveness or constantly seeking approval from others.
- You feel like you are walking on eggshells around certain people, as you worry that you will say or do something wrong. This can cause you to feel anxious or stressed in social situations.
- You feel like you are never good enough, no matter how much you achieve or how hard you try. This can lead to a sense of low self-worth and a constant feeling of failure.
- You find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others, as you doubt your own abilities or perceptions. This can make you overly reliant on the opinions of others and prevent you from trusting yourself.
How Can You Stop Self-Gaslighting?
Stopping self-gaslighting can be a challenging process, but it is possible with time and effort. Here are some steps you can take to stop self-gaslighting:
Practice self-compassion
One of the most important things you can do to stop self-gaslighting is to practice self-compassion. This means being kind and understanding towards yourself, even when you make mistakes or experience difficult emotions. When you practice self-compassion, you are less likely to engage in self-blame or self-doubt, which can help you break the cycle of self-gaslighting.
Challenge negative self-talk
Self-gaslighting often involves negative self-talk, where you criticize yourself and question your own experiences and perceptions. To stop this pattern, try challenging your negative self-talk by asking yourself questions like, “Is this thought really true?” or “Would I say this to a friend?” By questioning your negative thoughts, you can start to see them as less valid and less powerful.
Connect with others
Isolation and self-doubt often go hand in hand, so it’s important to connect with others who can offer support and validation. This can mean talking to friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to share your experiences and feelings. When you feel heard and validated by others, it can help counteract the self-gaslighting messages in your own head.
Keep a journal
Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can be a powerful way to recognize patterns of self-gaslighting and challenge negative self-talk. Try to write down any negative thoughts or beliefs you have about yourself, and then reframe them in a more positive and self-affirming way. For example, if you write down “I’m always messing things up,” you could reframe it as “I’m doing the best I can, and I’m learning from my mistakes.”
Practice assertiveness
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you may have learned to doubt your own opinions and needs, and defer to others instead. To stop self-gaslighting, it’s important to practice assertiveness and advocate for yourself. This can mean speaking up when you have a different opinion, setting boundaries with others, or asking for what you need. When you practice assertiveness, you are reinforcing the message that your thoughts and feelings are valid and important.
Take breaks from triggering situations
Self-gaslighting can be triggered by certain situations or people that remind you of past experiences. If you notice that you are engaging in self-gaslighting more frequently around certain people or in certain situations, it may be helpful to take a break from them. This can give you time and space to practice self-care and build up your self-confidence, so that you are better equipped to handle those situations in the future.
Remember that overcoming self-gaslighting is a process that takes time and effort. Be patient and kind with yourself, and seek out support when you need it. With persistence, self-compassion, and the right kind of support, you can break free from the cycle of self-doubt and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life.
If you need support overcoming self-gaslighting, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
