January is Codependency Awareness Month. Recognizing codependency and its signs is crucial to understanding how you can have better and healthier relationships with others and yourself. We’re going to explore codependency by unpacking the definition of codependency and exploring what it looks like. In upcoming articles we’ll explore what leads to codependency and ways to break the cycle.
What is Codependency
Codependency is a term often thrown out there that has many implications. But is more than just a term. It’s a relational dynamic that significantly impacts the way we connect with others. At its core, codependency is a pattern of relating where one person excessively prioritizes the needs of others over their own well-being. Picture it as a dance, where boundaries blur, and individual identities become entwined.
In codependent relationships, there’s a constant striving to please and meet the expectations of others, often to the detriment of one’s own desires and needs. This dance can lead to a sense of losing oneself in the process.
Common Signs of Codependency
Check out these common signs that indicate codependency may be a factor in your relationships.
Excessive People-Pleasing
People-pleasing in codependency goes beyond genuine kindness. It involves going above and beyond to please others, often at the expense of your own needs. It can feel like a relentless effort to gain approval from others and avoid conflict.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Codependency often brings challenges in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Saying “no” becomes an uphill battle, leading to a constant feeling of being overwhelmed or taken advantage of.
Low Self-Esteem
The link between codependency and low self-esteem is profound. Those grappling with codependency may seek external validation excessively, compensating for a lack of internal self-worth. The danger lies in deriving one’s value solely from the approval of others.
Fear of Abandonment
Relationships can be a source of joy but also trigger deep-seated fears, especially for those experiencing codependency. The fear of abandonment can drive clingy or controlling behavior that can have significant consequences on relationships with others and yourself.
Enabling Behavior
When it comes to codependency, enabling behavior can be a factor. This involves inadvertently supporting destructive behaviors in others, often stemming from a genuine desire to help. However, the line between support and enabling becomes blurred. It can look like making exuses for others’ behaviors and denial that there are any problems.
Lack of Autonomy
Independence is a crucial aspect of healthy relationships, yet codependency can make maintaining individuality challenging. It may look like adopting another person’s beliefs, habits, opinions, etc. Codependency may result in a blurred sense of self.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Recognizing codependency can start by asking yourself some questions. Mental Health America provides a list of questions that may indicate signs of codependency:
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
- Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
- Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
- Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
- Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
- Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? - Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
- Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
- Have you ever felt inadequate?
- Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
- Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
- Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
- Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
- Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
- Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
- Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
- Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
- Do you have trouble asking for help?
- Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
Keep in mind that relationship dynamics are a dance. Sometimes we may tend to put others’ needs first temporarily and that’s okay. Codependency comes when there are long-standing patterns of prioritizing other’s needs over your own. In upcoming articles, we’ll dive into where codependency comes from and practical strategies for breaking free from its grip.
If you need help recognizing or breaking free from codependency, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
