Saying goodbye can be a tricky thing to do. On one hand, goodbye can feel sad with a hint of unfinished business. On the other, it can feel joyful with a twinge of relief. It may be a mixture of these, and other emotions, with all shades of complicated.
We are not taught how to say goodbye, which can make it difficult for us to do it with grace and intention.
Why is Saying Goodbye so Hard
Human nature has us thinking in all or nothing terms and absolutes. Saying goodbye can feel final. Finality can feel a bit like death. Make no mistake, goodbye is a form of loss. And we’re not really equipped to deal with that either.
With ambivalence can come avoidance. When we cannot pinpoint exactly how we feel about something or don’t like how we feel, we tend to push it away. We distract ourselves with other things and avoid dealing with the discomfort.
Goodbye can feel like rejection. Even if the goodbye is initiated by us, it can still feel like a rejection or betrayal and bring up past experiences of abandonment.
What Saying Goodbye Often Looks Like
When we’re not good at saying goodbye, we often end up saying and doing a lot of other things we may not really mean. See if this looks familiar:
- Starting an argument
- Giving someone the silent treatment
- Doing things to numb the pain and discomfort (food, alcohol, drugs, sex, spending money, exercise, etc.)
- Avoiding people, places, and things
- Ghosting someone
- Jumping into the next thing before the current thing is done
- Abandoning goals or tasks when they get a little hard
What Goodbye Could Actually Mean
Goodbye is a natural progression of growth. In nature we see the ebb and flow of life through the cycle of the seasons. Spring means new beginnings and hope, summer is about growth, fall is a pruning of that which no longer serves, and winter is the death of the old and waiting for the next cycle to begin.
If we can transfer this knowledge to our own lives, we might look at goodbye as a necessary force pushing us to the next level. In this way, goodbye could mean honoring what has come before and allowing space for what’s next.
Saying Goodbye to Say Hello
As we say goodbye to another year, we are also welcoming in a new year. But most people focus on the new year and new goals without fully saying goodbye to the previous year.
I’d like to offer up some ways to truly honor the previous year and say goodbye before moving on too quickly to what comes next.
Take Stock of All You’ve Accomplished
Whether or not you write out your goals for the year, take some time to really think about everything you did accomplish. It’s easy to focus on the things that DIDN’T get done, the goals abandoned, and the missed opportunities. But take time to focus on what you DID achieve.
Acknowledge the Journey
As you think about what you did accomplish over the last year, remember what the journey was like. Was it easy or hard? What feelings did you experience along the way? What barriers did you overcome?
Watch Your Steps – Big and Small
Recall the steps that made the biggest difference. Often when we are in the midst of reaching a goal, we don’t see all the things we’re doing. We’re too close to it. But when we look back we can see what really helped propel us forward. What small and big steps helped the most? What would you do differently now that you’re on the other side of the goal?
Celebrate Your Success
Take a moment to really celebrate what you’ve accomplished this past year. It doesn’t have to be a huge celebration. Even a small pat on the back or “I’m proud of myself” can go a long way to give you the acknowledgement you deserve.
Say it with Gratitude
The final step in saying goodbye is to practice gratitude toward everything that got you to this point. Thank the good and not so good things that got you here. For a more in depth look at how to practice gratitude, check out How Gratitude Can Improve Mental Health and Wellness.
Once you honor an ending (of a year or other milestone) and say goodbye, you allow space for new things to come in to your life.
If you need more support saying goodbye I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
Photo by Jose Antonio Alba from Pixabay
