Setting boundaries with toxic parents can be emotionally taxing, but vital for preserving your well-being. In this article series, we’ll explore how to navigate these challenging relationships effectively, including the differences between healthy vs. toxic relationships, and strategies to help before, during, and after interactions with toxic parents.
Boundaries in Healthy Vs. Toxic Relationships
Before we dive into strategies, let’s talk about boundaries in general. Boundaries are what separate us from other people. They define the limits of our comfort, our emotional well-being, and the space we need to maintain our sense of self. When dealing with toxic family members, establishing and maintaining boundaries is like creating a shield that safeguards your emotional health and preserves your personal integrity. Think of it as drawing a clear line that separates what is acceptable from what is not.
Boundaries in Healthy Relationships
In the context of healthy relationships, boundaries are a way for us to communicate our needs, and ultimately strengthen our relationships. We say what’s not working, we share how we feel, and we discuss how things could be different. This often leads to deeper understanding, trust, and closeness. But when it comes to unhealthy, toxic relationships, setting boundaries in this way can be unsafe emotionally and sometime dangerous physically.
Boundaries in Toxic Relationships
Setting boundaries with a person who has toxic traits can be like fueling a fire, where what you share might be used against you. Therefore, boundaries become a whole different thang with the toxic person. The goal here is to protect yourself.
Many adult children of parents with toxic or narcissistic traits often struggle between being authentic and true to themselves and holding back from their toxic parent. We were trained to give the toxic parent what they want in the form of praise, attention, doing what is expected, anticipating their needs, and pleasing them at the expense of ourselves. So when we start taking our own needs into consideration, it can feel like a betrayal.
Managing the feelings and thoughts that arise as a result of this war in ourselves between wanting and needing to assert ourselves and not wanting to upset our parent is where the work of setting boundaries with a toxic parent begins.
What to Consider When Setting Boundaries with Toxic Parents
The decision to set boundaries with a parent with toxic or narcissistic traits is typically not an easy one. And certainly not one that you make only once. It’s an ongoing process of evaluating what’s most important to you and what you need in order to be healthy. Then balancing that with what is likely to yield the best outcome. But first, it involves recognizing what the boundaries are and when they’ve been crossed.
Here are some questions to consider as you explore setting boundaries with a toxic parent:
What are your boundaries?
This is a BIG question. It may be hard to answer because you may have never been asked it before. Let’s explore some common boundaries that I’d venture to say most humans strive for – and most adult children identify as violations from their toxic or narcissistic parents:
- Being treated with respect
- Being validated
- Being seen and heard
Now that we got a list started, are there any other boundaries you’d like to add to this list? Take your time.
What does your parent say and do that feels like a boundary violation?
Because people with toxic and narcissistic traits are so skilled at getting what they want, their behaviors are often only detectable to those closest to them. You may notice sublteties that others don’t, such as a tone of voice, a glance, or a movement. These are important for you to pay attention to.
Once you have a list of your boundaries, time to identify how you know when the boundary has been honored and when it has been violated. Be as specific as you can. Here’s an example of how this might look:
Boundary: being treated with respect
How I Know It’s Been Honored
- I’m clear on how they feel about me
- Their words and actions are aligned
- I feel good about myself
- I feel like they understand me
How I know It’s Been Violated
- I’m confused
- They said words that showed respect but I still don’t feel respected
- I feel bad about myself
- I’m wondering what I said or did to upset them
How do you respond to your parent’s toxic behavior?
Paying attention to how you respond to your parent’s toxic behaviors is crucial in recovery. Often your responses are on auto-pilot. Start paying closer attention so you can uncover more about the immediate impact their behavior has on you. What are your automatic responses, things you do without even thinking about it? What thoughts come up? What feelings arise? What do you notice in your body?
Taking a closer look at what boundaries are and which ones are most important to you is a great first step. In upcoming articles, we’ll explore what you can do before, during, and after interactions with toxic parents to help protect yourself.
If you need help setting boundaries with a toxic or narcissistic parent, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
