In previous articles about setting boundaries with toxic parents, we explored Healthy Vs. Toxic Relationships, What to Do Before interacting with them, and What to Say during interactions. Now comes the aftermath of setting boundaries with toxic parents. I suggest adopting the attitude of being ready for anything. Ready? Let’s explore what to do after interacting with toxic parents.
While it’s likely you’ll fantasize about two scenarios – the interaction was good or the interaction was bad – let’s get real for a minute. Toxicity and narcissism are about extremes. If you grew up in that environment, you’ve learned how to live in the world of extremes. But it’s in the shades of grey, the nuances, where the truth lies.
The Spectrum of the Aftermath
Chances are you will feel somewhere in the middle (not completely good and not completely bad) in the aftermath of setting boundaries with a toxic parent. This is especially true if you’ve already been working on setting boundaries, like most adult children have for most of their lives in one form or another. If you are new to setting boundaries, I’m not gonna lie, it may be a bit rough at first (which is why I suggest working on those calming skills BEFORE interacting with them).
The spectrum goes from very good to very bad. Let’s break down how this might look after interacting with your toxic parent:
Very Good
I feel validated and seen by my parent. They honored my boundaries and treated me with respect.
Good
I was able to steer the conversation enough to feel neither validated nor destroyed. I felt some discomfort during and haven’t spent too much time over-analyzing the interaction since it happened.
Somewhat Good
I was able to survive the interaction but had to really spend energy managing my internal reactions. I continue to think about it and what I could have done or said differently.
Somewhat Bad
I struggled to manage my internal reactions but was able utilize some strategies during the interaction. I continue to think about what I could have done or said differently.
Bad
I got triggered and responded in a way I wish I hadn’t. I’ve thought about the interaction a lot.
Very Bad
I felt criticized, judged, misunderstood, manipulated, berated, and abused. I shut down or got really aggressive with my parent and still feel shame, anger, etc. I’m still spinning out as a result of the interaction with my parent.
This is definitely not the entire spectrum. You may have different experiences on your spectrum. I invite you to take time and think about what each level might look like for you.
Tips to Manage the Fallout
Once you have a pulse on where you fall on the spectrum, you may want to employ one, two, or many of these strategies to help you ride any emotional or overthinking waves you experience.
Self-compassion
No matter where you fall on that aftermath spectrum, before you do anything else, take a ginormous dose of self-compassion. Learn about the benefits of self-compassion. Here are quick tips:
- Remind yourself you the best you could in the moment.
- Thing of what your best friend would say to you right now and say that to yourself.
- Repeat an affirmation or positive statements (for example: I am worthy of
Self-reflection
Now that you are dosed up with self-compassion, time to take a look at what happened. This may take some time to fully untangle. But just start with what is easily and readily accessible.
Just slowly unravel the interaction and notice the objective details as much as possible here.
What did you do and say? How did they respond?
What did they do and say? How did you respond?
Self-compassion
Next, with some clarity about the interaction, it’s time to evaluate how you were able to manage your triggers. It may be more helpful to focus on your responses than on what specifically was said or done. I know that may not be easy (hence the self-compassion). Consider these questions:
- What did you notice about your responses during the interaction with your parent?
- Were you able to manage your internal turmoil?
- If so, how was that for you? What did you specifically do that helped? Do more of that. What didn’t help? Do less of that.
- If no, how was that for you? What could you have done differently to manage that internal turmoil? How could you know it’s time to switch to a different coping strategy next time?
- What lessons did you learn? What could you do differently next time?
Remember, the journey of recovering from parental emotional abuse is a life-long one. You’ll likely notice ebbs and flows in your progress. This is normal. Setting boundaries is a big part of the journey, and one that is needed to protect your emotional well-being. With an understanding of how boundaries are different in healthy vs. toxic relationships, strategies to manage your triggers and expectations, a plan for interactions, and a process to deal with the aftermath of setting boundaries, you’ve got a great foundation and roadmap.
If you need help setting boundaries with a toxic or narcissistic parent, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
