Preparation is a powerful tool when it comes to navigating interactions with toxic parents. If you missed it, I encourage you to check out the first article of this series, Setting Boundaries with Toxic Parents: Healthy Vs. Toxic Relationships. It’ll give you a good foundation before diving into the meat and potatoes of what to do before interacting with toxic parents. In this article, we’ll be exploring managing your triggers and managing your expectations of toxic parents.
Managing Triggers
Oh triggers. Why, oh why are you still here? The misconception is that we can rid ourselves of these pests. But the truth is they are here to stay. Our work in recovering from toxic parenting is to learn about our triggers and ways to cope with them. With practice, we can learn how to lessen our reaction to triggers. And that’s really good news!
For a more comprehensive look at triggers, check out these articles:
Managing Expectations of Toxic Parents
When I interviewed Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, for my first Adult Children of Narcissists Conference (ACONcon) earlier this year, she said something really powerful:
Whoa. Let that sink in for a moment!
When it comes to managing your expectations, it doesn’t get clearer than that. People with toxic or narcissistic traits are shape-shifters when it comes to…well, everything. They act according to what best suits their needs in that very moment. That means it is IMPOSSIBLE to predict how they will respond.
Some other tidbits that might be helpful as you adjust your expectations when dealing with a toxic or narcissistic parent:
- Their emotionally maturity is often stunted in early childhood.
- They think and act in extremes: all good vs. all bad.
- They are often not willing/able to see how they affect others.
- Their needs are their top priority.
Once you have some foundation of your triggers and expectations, it’s time to employ some strategies.
Tips to Prepare for Interactions with Your Toxic Parent
Now that you have some foundation for managing triggers and expectations, check out these specific tips to help you. Keep in mind practicing these strategies A LOT before interaction with your toxic parent is highlight encouraged.
Remind yourself of your strength and your worthiness
Before interacting with toxic family members, take a moment to remind yourself of your inner strength and worthiness. Affirming your value and resilience can boost your confidence and fortify your emotional well-being. Think of specific mantras or positive statements you can say to yourself and practice them often.
Practice deep breathing, grounding skills, and mindfulness
Engaging in deep breathing exercises, grounding techniques, and mindfulness practices can help you stay calm and centered during interactions. These strategies enable you to manage anxiety and stay present, allowing for more composed and thoughtful responses. Some of my favorite tools are:
- Counted breathing: breath in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, and repeat several times
- 54321 grounding skills: looking around your current environment, notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel/touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste
- Mindfulness: pay attention to your breath and notice each part of your body, giving each your attention, while allowing any thoughts to float away like clouds and bringing your attention gently back to your breath and body
Imagine the interaction going well
Visualization is a powerful tool. Close your eyes and imagine the upcoming interaction unfolding positively. Envision respectful communication and boundary adherence. This mental rehearsal can help you approach the situation with a more optimistic mindset.
Recognize your feelings are valid
Acknowledge your emotions and understand that they are valid. It’s natural to have a range of feelings when dealing with difficult family members. Recognizing your emotional responses is the first step toward addressing and managing them effectively.
Role-play the interaction with trusted friends or family
Enlist the help of trusted friends or family members to role-play the upcoming interaction. This practice allows you to anticipate potential challenges, refine your responses, and gain valuable feedback and support from those you trust. It’s a proactive way to prepare for the encounter.
I cannot emphasize enough how important preparation is when setting boundaries with and expectations of toxic parents. Taking the time to really understand your triggers, manage your expectations, and practice tools to regulate your own reactions will go a long way to protecting yourself as you interact with your toxic parent.
In upcoming articles, we’ll explore what to do during and after interactions with a toxic parent.
If you need help setting boundaries with a toxic or narcissistic parent, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
