When it comes to grieving, our society isn’t well-equipped. We’re often not taught about what to expect or how to cope with loss. People often don’t know what to say so they say nothing or things that can be unintentionally hurtful. In this article, we’ll explore 5 myths about grief that may be so ingrained it’s impacting your ability to move through your grief.
Myth #1 about Grief: There’s a right way to grieve
If we go by the way our society treats grief, we might assume that we can talk about our grief right after loss, take a few days off and be back at 100% productivity, and not really ever talk about it again. Pain is uncomfortable, no matter if it’s ours or others’.
The truth is there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. There’s only the way you are grieving. Some people cry, some don’t. Some people sleep a lot, some can’t sleep. Comparing how we grieve to how others grieve is not helpful.
Focus on being aware of how you are grieving and practicing self-compassion.
Myth #2 about Grief: Grief heals through linear stages
First, you’re in denial about the loss. Then, you get angry. Next, you bargain. Then, you’re depressed. And finally you accept it. The five stages of death and dying outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (then later adapted to stages of grief and grieving) were not meant to be a linear or prescribed recovery model. They are a starting point for understanding typical reactions to loss.
The truth is that grief is messy. We may go from intense emotions, tears, physical pain, curled up in a ball to focusing intently on a project, not thinking about the loss to feeling numb while sitting motionless in the same position for hours – all in one day. There’s no predictable trajectory of moving through grief. And that’s okay.
Focus on checking in with yourself on a regular basis (hourly, daily, weekly, etc.) to identify how you are feeling and what thoughts you are having.
Myth #3 about Grief: You know what to expect because you’ve grieved before
You are correct – you have grieved before. You can access the memories of how you have already grieved. And this may provide a starting point to conceptualize your grief.
The truth is grief is unpredictable. Our brains file away our past experiences and use that information to predict the future. That’s a good thing sometimes. It gives us an expectation of how we might respond to a similar situation. But in reality grief rarely fits into predictable patterns. Just because you experienced a death loss in the past doesn’t mean you will respond to another death loss the same way.
Focus on expecting the unexpected and accepting (not necessarily liking) the reality of your reactions to grief.
Myth #4 about Grief: One day you’ll get over it
Focus on adjusting to life after loss including how to honor the loss.
Myth #5 about Grief: If you don’t focus on it, it will go away
This myth is more of an underlying belief that you may not be aware of. But it might look like keeping yourself busy, distracting yourself when you notice a wave of grief coming on, or avoiding people, places, and things that remind you of your loss.
The truth is that in the early and overwhelming stages of grief, keeping yourself busy, distracting yourself, and avoiding triggers is often helpful and necessary to shield yourself from the intensity of emotions. However, these are not strategies for long-term use. At some point you’ll need to feel the feels.
Focus on acknowledging your feelings, even if they are overwhelming. Practice using less of the distraction and avoidance strategies as you sit with your feelings more.
If you are looking for more education around grief, check out our live and on demand wellness services. If you live in Arizona and are looking for individual grief counseling, you can learn more here, or book a consult to see how I can help.
Photo by Michael Schwarzenberger from Pixabay
