In previous articles about setting boundaries with toxic parents, we explored Healthy Vs. Toxic Relationships and What to Do Before interacting with them. If you’re ready for more, I invite you to first take a moment to congratulate yourself for getting this far. As I’ve mentioned previously, this work is difficult. Now we move to the task of what to do and what to say to toxic parents during interactions with them.
Before we dive in, let’s revisit setting boundaries in healthy vs. toxic relationship. It bears repeating (A LOT!!!).
Communicating Boundaries in Healthy Relationships
We often learn that setting boundaries involves communicating what you want and asking for it, and POOF…you are likely to get it. That’s just not how most relationships, even healthy ones, work most of the time.
First, identifying what we want can be challenging. What I find more helpful sometimes is to identify what we DON’T want. That is often easier. Do that and it will help lead you to what you do want. Spoiler alert: what we want is not just the opposite of what we don’t want.
Second, asking for what we want is not a cut and dry formula. The typical communication 101 first person feeling statement thing is a meme at this point.
While the idea behind it is useful, the technique can be deceptively more difficult to employ. Why? Because it involves feelings. And humans aren’t always great at identifying, let alone talking about, feelings.
So let’s back this train up a bit.
Communicating Boundaries in Toxic Relationships
If communicating boundaries is hard in healthy relationships, how the heck can we do it in toxic ones? I’m glad you asked.
Remember that the goal for setting boundaries in toxic relationships is to protect yourself. That means that communicating your boundaries is not always going to be aligned with that goal.
I can hear the wheels turning. This can feel confusing. Let me answer some questions that may be popping up…
How do I set a boundary without communicating it?
This is a mindset shift. Remember those healthy relationships? The goal is to communicate so things will change for the better. You are setting boundaries for the good of the relationship.
But in toxic relationships the goal is to protect yourself. You are setting boundaries for you, not the other person. READ THIS AGAIN…AND AGAIN!
Here are some statements you can say to yourself to remind you:
- I am worthy of healthy love.
- I deserve to be treated with respect.
- My emotional safety is my priority.
Setting a boundary without communicating it might look like:
- Not answering the phone when it rings
- Not responding to a text right away (or ever)
- Scheduling other appointments so you have a reason to leave at a specific time
- Leaving when you start to feel anxious and before you are overwhelmed
- Meeting in a public place
- Arranging your own transportation or driving yourself so you can leave when you want
When do I know whether to communicate a boundary or not?
The short, simple and best answer is: trust your gut.
You know your parent better than anyone. You likely know the subtle signs indicating they may be ready to argue, or they may be receptive. Trust that!
But then, know that it still may not go as planned.
Keep in mind that people with toxic traits:
- Don’t generally take anything that could be construed as criticism well.
- May turn your words against you to take the heat off them.
- Will respond based on their need to be right.
- Will use tactics (manipulation, gaslighting, etc.) when feeling attacked.
Tips for How to Interact with Toxic Parents
- Check in with yourself to determine if it’s safe to be assertive in setting boundaries or not.
- Employ those skills you’ve been practicing to keep yourself calm (or calm down when triggered): breathing, grounding, and mindfulness.
- Have a trusted person (aka witness and support) with you whenever possible.
- Set the pace by speaking in a calm manner, even if it’s all chaos on the inside.
- Answer with short responses, rather than long dissertations.
- Steer the conversation to more positive topics.
- Ask questions about them (their favorite subject).
Tips on What to Say to Toxic Parents to Set a Boundary
Because every relationship, every parent, and every interaction is different, it’s impossible to provide a comprehensive list of what you can say to your toxic parent when setting a boundary. But here’s a good start. Keep in mind to only use these if you feel safe enough to do so.
- I don’t want to talk about that right now.
- I don’t feel comfortable with that.
- I’m not talking about this anymore.
- If you continue to talk to me that way, I will _____ (leave, hang up, block you, etc.).
- No (then stop talking).
Interacting with toxic parents can be __________ (choose your adjective or pick your own: hard, overwhelming, frustrating). Many people I work with come in for help with boundary setting and what to say to their toxic parent. While it’s helpful to have a “cheat sheet” of things to say, I’d like to emphasize the importance of having a plan that includes the things discussed in previous articles of this series on setting boundaries with toxic parents.
In the next article in this series, we’ll explore what to do after interactions with a toxic parent.
If you need help setting boundaries with a toxic or narcissistic parent, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
