A question that often comes up in my work with those grieving is – how do I grieve? The simple answer is…however you ARE grieving. There is no one right way to grieve. But David Kessler, author and grief expert, offers some ideas of what helps people move through their grief. In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, Kessler outlines 6 elements for grief recovery.
1. Community
Kessler highlights the significance of community in the healing process. He emphasizes that grief must be witnessed, acknowledging that the people you expect to understand your pain might not necessarily be the ones who truly see your anguish.
It’s important to identify people who can support you in your grief. I wrote a detailed article about How to Find the Support You Need and Deserve that may help. It outlines the 4 steps of getting support.
2. Continued Connections
Continued connections are at the heart of Kessler’s approach. This involves embracing rituals, saying their names, recounting their stories, and sharing cherished memories. Kessler’s emphasis on preserving these connections echoes the sentiment that love endures beyond physical presence.
Think of how you can continue your connection. Some examples include:
- Doing something in their honor or something they enjoyed
- Communicating with them through prayer, conversation, or letters
- Including them in celebrations through a moment of silence
3. Your Grief Does Not Define You
Grief does not define who we are. Kessler encourages us to remember with more love than pain, emphasizing that our work is to experience the love we had for the departed. By reframing grief as the expression of love, he invites us to navigate grief as an emotion tied to the depth of our connections.
This can be a difficult thing to do, especially in the early days, weeks, and months after loss, and on the hard days. It’s important to connect with who you were before the loss, and the people, places, and things you’ve enjoyed.
4. Treat Yourself as Your Best Friend
Self-care and self-compassion are cornerstones to moving through grief. Kessler’s advice to treat oneself as a kind and compassionate friend underscores the importance of self-care. By embodying qualities we appreciate in others, we extend the same compassion to ourselves. This approach nurtures self-kindness and understanding during the challenging journey of grief.
For further tips on self-care and self-compassion, check out these articles I’ve written:
5. Don't Compare: Grief Is Personal
Each individual’s experience is unique. Kessler underscores that what others think of our grief is immaterial and that there is no comparison in grief. One person’s grief is not better or worse, bigger or smaller. Everyone’s grief is important.
This perspective liberates us from external judgment and allows us to embrace our feelings without undue influence.
6. Count Your Wins
Kessler’s encouragement to count our wins reminds us to celebrate even the smallest triumphs during the grieving process. Instead of focusing solely on gratitude, he highlights the significance of acknowledging everyday achievements, like showing up, getting out of bed, taking a shower, or tending to daily responsibilities. These small wins serve as building blocks on the path to healing.
In the early days after loss and on the hard days, it’s important to count these small wins as victories without self-judgement. It doesn’t matter what we were able to do last year, last month, or even yesterday. Focus on what you are able to do right now.
Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. While grief is a journey with no end, the 6 elements for grief recovery can provide a pathway to us help navigate. And sometimes, just knowing there is a pathway, even if we can’t see it, makes a difference.
If you need support in your grieving, I’d be happy to provide a consult to see how I might be able to help. You can book that here. For those living in Arizona, I offer individual and group counseling. For those living anywhere, I provide educational, supportive, and experiential wellness services.
